I Am Really Fine

road_bw

The secret, almost sneaky way it appeared – so quietly I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t even suspect it was here, from tiny crumbs moving on to bigger bites out of me. Slowly chewing. Step by step. I started to notice something, even if only with the 6th sense. That millisecond when a glimpse of a thought crossed my mind. About something not being OK. Something being there – standing outside the door. Undefinable yet, but already there. Waiting.

But I pretended not to notice. I moved that glimpse further away, with the thoughts that should stay high on the top shelves of one’s mind. But the feeling didn’t disappear. It was neither still, nor quiet. Nor it could be completely silenced. It started to remind about itself in a more open, abrupt way. Stronger. Louder, yet bearable…the slippery “bearable”. I started to catch myself thinking it wasn’t really going away anymore, it never will. It had found hope to fight with, so they were. Fighting. Without sweat and blood but for a long time. I could feel it, almost physically. Unmistakably. Until one was down.

Hope was gone. The other one, full of power, was standing stronger than ever. And it had turned into my secret. To be carried around without being able to ignore, yet kept hidden. Most of the time it worked, though sometimes I walked in circles, trying to avoid a raised eyebrow or a concerned question. I tried to tame it, to talk with it, to even bribe but it was deaf and blind towards my attempts. I read to it. I took it for long walks or staring sessions. At people, trees, clouds, life passing by. To take its mind off me but I didn’t know we had already switched places. The more powerful it became, the less everything there was in me. Less of the “me” I used to be. Less the “me” everyone knew and was used to see. Expected and wished to see.

So I started to hide. Not only my secret but also myself. Sometimes not to disappoint others. Or not to see the worry in their eyes. Being afraid of the questions – asked and not asked ones, the confusion. Other times – because there was so little of me left inside I simply was not able to do anything else than hide. Powerless. I slipped more easily, or fell and crawled. More often. But nobody knew. I always had my “I am really fine” prepared in the pocket. The one that was the easiest to hear and – yes, the easiest to tell.

In the numbest days I sometimes tumbled, letting a couple of words or a sentence roll out of my pocket for someone to notice on the floor. But straight away I realized how wrong it was. Unfair. Towards everyone. Towards myself. So I gathered the scraps back around me, quietly. And it was happy. Finally. It had turned me. We had become one. We are. The Pain.

on the road
of no return silence
suddenly grows

Haibun Monday *The Path*

haibun_barefoot

I have always thought there is nothing similar to the feeling of walking barefoot through a meadow on a summer morning when everything around is just about to wake up. The glistening dew drops, softly bending the blades of grass. Petals of the blossoms, still moist before opening and longing to be caressed by the first ray of light. The wonder to be a part of all that magic every step of the way is almost tingling – as nature’s energy flows in, resonating from toes through every cell of my body.
If there’s anything close to that experience, it is the touch of the beach. Either tiptoeing through the sun scorched sand to the edge of water or just enjoying the tickle and tease of waves. Whispering, alluring or maybe simply teaching to feel. Yes, to notice and understand, to admire, appreciate and never to destroy. Isn’t it one of the paths to find harmony – not only with people around but with nature and oneself in the first place? I am still learning that and, most probably, I always will. Without a pair of shoes, left somewhere far behind…

side by side
fresh footprints in the wet sand
-seagull’ s and mine

dVerse Poets Haibun Monday

Hamish Gunn *Aquila (Eagle) – a Haibun*

Carpe Diem Haiku *Meadow*

haiku_summer meadow

There’s no similar feeling to the walking barefoot through a meadow on a summer morning when everything around is just waking up. The glistening dew drops, softly bending the blades of grass. Petals of the blossoms, so moist before opening, caressed by the first intangible rays of light. Silence, with all the scents of the meadow, released by the light breeze…inviting and alluring. It is one of those small miracles of life to be a part of that…every step of the way, almost tingling as nature’s energy flows in, resonating from toes up – through every cell of my body.

trickles of dew drops
rolling down a pair of bare feet
meadow’ s morning glory

Carpe Diem Haiku Kai

summertime02

Carpe Diem Haiku *Raindrops*

raindrops

It’ s raining. Those small drops landing everywhere. They are not just dripping and dropping, no. Thrusting through branches so delicately to finally reach the place to land on. Smoothly, yet with a soft shudder as they touch leaves, almost making them sigh. Fondling every single blossom, outlining every blade of grass. Some reverberate in puddles rippling mysterious patterns. Mapping silky, ethereal reflections. Again and again. Or aiming straight for the ground, so fertile, evaporating in the sun. Falling and melting together like it was always meant to be. Others can’ t wait to plunge towards the blue infinity. To ride on the backs of waves caressing the shores. Intertwining to dissolve into each other that nobody knows where the raindrops start and where the sea ends. Or the other way around.

allured by raindrops
petals wide open to succumb
gentle caress of breeze

Yes, it’ s raining. With the floating pace. Starting out slowly and gentle, then turning faster and harder to gain back calmness in a while. One drop after another kissing the window pane. An elusory kiss before rushing away. Like there’ s a place to reach, the place where all of those little beads of water are supposed to be. What they don’ t know is that they end up reaching each other. Or maybe they do. Maybe it’ s encoded somewhere in the essence of their being. That the meeting is inevitable. There’ s only that long “before”. Endeavouring. The path to take, the race to run or the walk to walk to reach that magical place where even time stops.

tiny droplets
careless race down window pane
sunbeam glitters

Carpe Diem Haiku Kai

Logo CD March 2015

 

Carpe Diem Time Glass *A Frog Jumps In*

moon_5

I still remember the strong scent of lilacs, almost trapped in the sultry summer air that night. The pitch black sand still radiated afternoon heat in waves around my feet. I had walked for hours but maybe it was much less – any sense of time had disappeared. I didn’ t want to see or hear, I didn’ t need to think and I tried not to feel. Squatting on the ground at the pond, I wrapped arms around knees, tightly, trying to protect myself…from what? The world seemed so usual but empty and big. Too big.

I nursed my grief as the night embraced everything in the dark veil. Lights went out one after another, and the town had gained its peace. The moonlight was all there was left – like the last breath, still reaching out for life.

weeping willow
rigid over the murky water
silence of the frogs

Carpe Diem Haiku Kai

logo cd time glass

Carpe Diem Haiku *Sacred Arrow (Hamayumi or Hama Yumi)*

“Once upon a time” seems to be very much on place here since today’ s Carpe Diem prompt took me back to the time I was in the process of discovering the world of fairy tales. Having the patience and interest, I loved to sit on my grandfather’ s knees and listen to the magic stories from all over the world. They were never repeated, always felt too short and even today still are rather vivid in my memory. Like the Russian fairy tale “Царевна Лягушка” (“The Frog Princess”) – the well-known story about the king’ s three sons, shooting their arrows to find brides. Of course, Ivan – the youngest one, was the son whose arrow landed in a swamp, caught by a frog who turned out to be a princess. No, his only problem wasn’ t just to kiss the frog to live happily ever after – that would have been too simple, even for a fairy tale. Yet all the bad things came to an end, and the loving couple ruled the country till death did them part. Or it might have been just my imagination…

Tsarevna Lagushka

* * *
deep in the swamp
the royal frog with an arrow
holding kingdom’s fate

* * *

Carpe Diem Haiku Kai
Image courtesy of Google

Līgo Haibun Challenge – The Mountain Is Calling. A Love Confession

haibun_mountain

It is a choice between “Guitar” and “Mountain” on Līgo Haibun Challenge this week – it couldn’t be something else than the second one for me…

Do you know the feeling of falling in love from the first sight and realising it is for the rest of your life? I do. I know exactly how it feels…with hundreds of butterflies, fluttering their wings inside me every time we meet.

Today, wandering through memories, I try to remember how far back does our history go. Most probably it was the end of the 1980′ s, somewhere in Austria when I was swept off my feet by you for the very first time. In amazement and admiration, experiencing something I had just seen in movies and read about before. The majestic power only a mountain possesses – so raw, leaving footprints for the years yet to come. I have been fortunate enough to see you in many different moods – when the first buds of almond trees were just about to burst in spring, and looking over a hive of bees in a fragrant summer meadow. On a path, observing patiently the indecision of autumn leaves between ablush and golden. Yes, I also remember almost stoic peace of yours right in the middle of the white winter loneliness that for some reason you kept calling solitude. Ups and downs. Twists and turns. Countries and borders.

your silhouette
in a pile of photos
disappears. appears

There have been times when you seemed so distant, almost unapproachable but we all have our moments, don’ t we? And after those magical hours, spent together awaiting for the first sunlight to caress your rugged cheek, a lot of other things just lost their importance. No matter in which corner of the world I have found myself, there has always been longing, a hope to see you. A curve. A peak. Even if only for a moment in a distance. Until we meet again.

heavy raindrops
drawing peaks on window pane
-mountains of memories

Līgo Haibun Challenge

Ligo_haibun